If you are the kind of person naturally loaded with empathy, there is a good chance that you are also agreeable in almost any circumstance. These are loving qualities to have as a human being. But many times you find yourself stressed and lonely. Why do these things happen? What are the things you can do to protect your heart and your relationships with people? That’s what we’ll be looking at in this article. Sit tight! Let us reason together.
You have empathy and are also agreeable
Empathetic people are the sort of people who are naturally given to liking others and caring about how they feel. Most of them can’t bear to hurt, cheat, or put down other people. Naturally, they feel the need to extend love and care to others.
But most people who show empathy (and are also agreeable) always end up stressed and lonely. Are people who do good not supposed to get the same in return? Of course, they should!
“But why I’m I getting the opposite?” As some of us do ask ourselves with tears in our eyes with no one around to talk to, or maybe, nobody who understands what you are going through.
Also Read: Don’t Fall for the Storyteller.
Can we go wrong doing good?
Many times I wonder if I should stop doing good completely and become a tyrant. But then I consider a profound statement made by C. S. Lewis.
C. S. Lewis said, “There is no excess of goodness. You cannot go too far in the right direction.”
Such knowledge gets us even more confused as we think about ourselves. As a person, I’ve pondered on these things for a long time trying to find answers to questions that surround this situation.
In the end, you realise that the major problem here is not doing good.
The Solution to Excessive Empathy and Agreeableness
But glory to God! Recently I stumbled on information that connected all the dots in my quest to find an answer to this problem.
It was a YouTube video on Dr J. Perterson’s lecture regarding personality traits – Agreeableness and Antagonism. But funny enough the title of the video on YouTube was “Too Nice? Rejected.”
(Caution: Never believe the titles on YouTube videos. You only get the true information when you watch the video. And many times you will hear things different from what the title of the video is saying. Most titles are written just to get you to click on them.)
That was by the way.
In the video, Dr Peterson said something that changed everything. And it is something everyone showing too much agreeableness or empathy should know and understand. It will help you with future decisions.
He said, “So extremely agreeable people are empathetic and compassionate and compliant. But the downside of that is that they are not that good at standing up for themselves and they are, and so they are often manipulated and pushed around.”
“For example they are not so good at negotiating for their own salaries.”
“In my experience clinically has been that agreeable people, the consequence of their compliance is that they tend to be resentful.”
“Just because that you are agreeable and compliant doesn’t mean that at some level of your psyche you’re not interested in a fair deal. And if you are not particularly good at negotiating for yourself, especially in the presence of disagreeable or antagonistic people then you’re going to be left with the short end of the stick.”
“I think the typical complaint of someone who is very agreeable is, ‘I do so much for other people and they seem to do so little for me.’ And so if you feel that way, there is a reasonable probability that you’re are agreeable, there is some probability that you are too agreeable and, maybe, you should stop being so easy to get along with.”
Does this sound like you? Then that’s your answer. Cut down on how agreeable you are in everything you do. That’s the short and simple solution! “Stop being so easy to get along with!”
The love you get for being agreeable is not true love. It is a reaction to your weakness. Then when you end up stressed, bitter, and lonely, you find that you have no one to share your life with.
Who’s fault is it? Your fault, dear. No one likes a bitter stressed up human being. Initially, they’ll like you for being agreeable and saying yes to all the crazy requests they make, but when it becomes unbearable for you, they’ll know you’re just stupid.
I hate to use the word but that’s just the truth about it and I have to tell it the way it is.
Show love but don’t be too agreeable. Learn to say “no” when you have to.
Have you ever thought about why people always come to you for solutions? Yes, you are smart and helpful. That’s a good thing and I love it when they do so. But it could also be because they feel you will do anything they say.
Some will go as far as passing you things they should be responsible for (with a smile on their faces). Don’t take it!
You may also find that your so-called neighbours would rather patronize others and pay them but will always ask you to make sacrifices they can never return. If you continue like that you will never go far. Sacrifices must be made, but to whom?
The need to be accepted is what causes us to do silly things at times
I think our need for friends and our need to be valued makes us do all sorts of crazy things and for that, we end up lower than we are supposed to in life.
I tell you, people who love and respect you will understand when you refuse to do things you know you shouldn’t do. Others who frown when you say “no” are mostly antagonists or narcissists who just want to use you.
Walk away now! That is the last kind of person you want to spend your life with as an empathetic person. If you don’t, believe me, they will use you to death.
This is because you naturally don’t feel the need to use, abuse, and oppress people.
If you continue under pressure you will kill your goodness
Living under antagonizing pressure as an empathetic person changes you. Over time you may become suicidal. Learn to say no to some things. These days I just say I can’t. And if they won’t have a ‘reasonable’ measure of respect for your time, life, and destiny then don’t hesitate to put them where they belong. (“Reasonable” here means that you too shouldn’t be biased about it.)
Because when you stay under pressure, loneliness and resentment, over time it breaks you. Some people become suicidal. Others lose a sense of self-worth. While others just lose it completely and decide to take it out on people for the rest of their lives.
We don’t have to end up like this. And the solution is simple. Before you mess up your life, stop being too agreeable!
Empathy is a good trait, but don’t allow people to abuse it.
Learn to let them share the pain. If they are bringing a problem, instead of doing everything for them, just tell them the solution and leave it there.
If they send you somewhere make them pay the bills.
Learn to get some room for yourself in your life. This way, you will do more for yourself; achieve more; earn more respect; and the best part is that you will only attract people who will make your life better. Ultimately, you will end up happier.
Most of the articles on this site are long because I try to cover every possible angle on a situation. But most times you find out that life can be overly complicated. For that reason, I’ve decided to leave this one short.
So if you are still confused or have a contribution, please drop a comment below.